


If You Use Cold Water During the Wash Cycle, You Don't Actually Need to Separate Your Laundry by Colour

by charmingStrangeness



Category: Gintama, おそ松さん | Osomatsu-san (Anime)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon-Typical Humour, Comedy, Crossover, Gen, tags will likely be updated (rating & warnings will not though)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-01-10 11:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12298218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmingStrangeness/pseuds/charmingStrangeness
Summary: may 2017—charmingstrangeness wrote: i want to write something silly and comedic for gintama but i have exactly zero (0) ideas….einzel replied: do an ososan crossover, what go go wrong honestlyfast-forward a few months to the present day, where we’ll finally be exploring that question – if the matsuno siblings were transplanted into the gintama universe, what, exactly, couldpossiblygo wrong?[new fan friendly for both series - only requires knowledge of gintama up to episode 25ish and osomatsu-san up to episode 5ish (just enough to know the characters/sense of humour)]





	1. It's Easier to Lampshade Your Shortcomings Than to Actually Do Anything About Them

**Author's Note:**

> ~~i can't believe i'm writing this instead of literally anything else~~
> 
> anyways if you like both gintama and osomatsu-san, please join me on this hellish adventure for the next several weeks. i'll do my best to update this weekly. good luck & godspeed to anyone involved in this shitstorm, including any potential readers and myself as well.
> 
> for any new fans of either series - like i said in the summary i won't reference major events or characters past episode 25 of gintama or episode 5 or 6 of oso, although there may be small references here or there which should be fairly self-explanatory. feel free to ask for clarification if necessary!
> 
> for any veteran fans of either series - feel free to use this fic to drag all your friends into gintama and/or osomatsu-san hell with you. hopefully it ends up being decent enough to make that a worthwhile endeavour; only time will tell, i suppose.

_What a beautiful day,_ Shinpachi thinks as he climbs the stairs beside the snack bar. The sun is shining, already warming the crisp morning air, and it feels – _fresh_ , he thinks, clean and fresh and lovely. He inhales deeply and smiles; pleasant mornings are relatively frequent, by all means, but perfect mornings like this one are a rarity. Letting out a sigh of contentment, Shinpachi slides open the door and steps inside the Yorozuya shop.

“Good morning!” he calls out as he slips off his shoes. There’s no reply, which is hardly unusual – Gintoki and Kagura are probably still sleeping, since they didn’t have any jobs planned for today. Shinpachi shakes his head fondly and wanders towards the main room.

“Gin-san, Kagura-chan!” He slides open the living room door. “Are you still sl—”

“Shinpachi! You’re late!” Gintoki slams a hand down on the desk. “And on such a horrible, horrible day, to boot!”

Shinpachi only rolls his eyes. Typical Gin-san – _Kagura probably ate all their breakfast rice again,_ he thinks. “What’s so horrible about today?” he asks, trying to keep the sarcasm out of his tone.

“Nothing’s wrong, Gin-chan’s just being melodramatic again,” Kagura calls out lazily from the couch. Shinpachi casually takes a seat across from her.

“How can you say that, Kagura? My god, where did I go wrong in raising you that you can’t recognize the trouble that’s on its way?”

“Probably when you stopped paying me for all the work I do around here,” Kagura deadpans.

“Don’t say he stopped paying you when he never started in the first place, Kagura-chan,” Shinpachi teases.

“Ooh, good point.”

“God, you two are still hung up on the salary thing? When we _clearly_ have more important things to be thinking about?!” Gintoki shakes his head in exasperation.

Shinpachi can’t help but roll his eyes. “Would you care to enlighten us on these allegedly ‘more important’ things that we should ‘clearly’ be thinking about?” _So much for this morning being a perfect one._ Leave it to Sakata Gintoki to ruin what could have been a splendid day with his flair for sensationalizing everything – there’s already a pit of anxiety beginning to form in Shinpachi’s guts.

Gintoki frowns darkly. “We’re doing a crossover.”

“Wait, that’s _it?!”_ Shinpachi groans and sinks backwards into the couch. “And here I was thinking it might actually be something worth worrying over.”

“I do not know why you’d ever think anything that comes out of that idiot’s mouth is worth worrying over,” Kagura yawns. “I told you he was just being melodramatic.”

“I’m not being melodramatic! _This is a very serious issue!!!”_

“But Gin-san,” Shinpachi scratches his head, “the last time we did a crossover it turned out to be really fun! Why are you so worried?”

Gintoki shakes his head. “You may think crossovers are all fun and games—” Shinpachi pinches the bridge of his nose. _They are fun and games, Gin-san!_ “—but that crossover with Sket Dance was an anomaly. We just happened to get along really well because we could empathize with each other on various levels. Also because they were wimpy high school students who knew their show was a Gintama knockoff—”

“Gin-san, you _know_ that’s not true—”

“And besides, Sket Dance aside, who the hell would want to read a crossover anyways? This stunt is going to achieve nothing other than tanking this author’s readership.”

Squeezing his eyes shut, Shinpachi sighs heavily and massages the pounding ache that’s appeared behind his temples. “Gin-san… What on _earth_ are you talking about?”

Gintoki shakes his head gravely. “Pattsuan, listen… you may think fanfiction is all fun and games—”

“It _is_ fun and games, Gin-san! It’s practically the _definition_ of fun and games!”

“—but it’s serious business out there! Barely anyone even reads Gintama fanfiction anymore in the first place, since we’ve been on hiatus for so long, and crossovers aren’t necessarily super popular either!”

Shinpachi frowns. He’s not wrong, by any means – the Gintama fandom _has_ been fairly quiet recently… “But surely with the new anime season starting up again, our readership will increase?”

“Irrelevant, Pattsuan. The fact of the matter is, no one cares about crossovers to begin with! Who’s going to see this while browsing Archive of Our Own and actually say to themselves, _‘wow this looks like something I genuinely want to read?’_ Who even bothers checking the crossover section of fanfiction dot net? No one, that’s who! Look, the timing may seem convenient, but is it really going to help?” Gintoki takes a deep breath, and a resolute determination lights his eyes. “If the author really wants to increase their readership, they’d update one of their current works, or post something new entirely!”

Shinpachi groans. “Oh come on, Gin-san. As if any of that matters! And it’s one thing to poke fun at Sorachi-sensei, but roasting a fanfiction writer like this is borderline cruel. You know they’re part of our fanbase, right? You should take more care to not hurt their feelings!”

“Yeah, Gin-chan!” Kagura chimes in. “The author might have shitty ideas and a terrible sense of timing, but that doesn’t mean you should actually say it out loud!”

“Kagura-chan, _you’re being just as bad!!”_ Shinpachi slams his forehead into his palm and wonders if either of his companions have ever even heard of concepts like ‘self-awareness’ or ‘tact’. You’d think he’d be used to this kind of shit by now, but then again, you’d also think that the other two may have grown up a little in the past decade or so of their existence.

“The author isn’t even the biggest problem at hand here,” Gintoki continues. “The series that we’re crossing over with is.”

Shinpachi perks up a little at that. “I’ve actually been wondering – who _are_ we being crossed over with?”

Across the living room table, Kagura sits up a little straighter in anticipation. “Yeah, Gin-chan, tell us!!”

Gintoki grimaces. “God, you two look like you’re actually _excited_ to find out. Haven’t you been listening to ol’ Gin-san at all the past five minutes? This crossover is a match made in Hell.”

“Just shut up and tell us who it is.” Kagura flicks a piece of lint in Gintoki’s direction.

In a shocking turn of events, Gintoki’s face sours even further (Shinpachi had thought he was already at his maximum level of scowl, but apparently not). “Ugh. It’s Osomatsu-san. You know, the one with the shitty useless NEET sextuplets?”

Shinpachi blinks in surprise. “Wait, that’s it?”

“What do you mean, that’s it?!?”

“Well… don’t our anime series have a similar sense of humour? And the same director even?” Shinpachi’s brow furrows in thought. “Wouldn’t that actually make us a pretty ideal crossover? Heck, I’m almost surprised there aren’t already hundreds of Osomatsu/Gintama crossovers out there already.”

Gintoki sighs despondently. “Oh, Pattsuan… Honestly, have I taught you nothing?”

“You really have not, quite frankly.”

Waving aside Shinpachi’s comment, Gintoki continues as if nothing had been said. “Listen, if they’re using the same kind of referential, fourth-wall breaking type of humour that we are… Just think, Pattsuan! Use your stupid shitty brain for once in your life! _They could completely take us over!_ They have the power to do that!”

Shinpachi rolls his eyes. “Seriously, Gin-san? _This again?_ What’s with this paranoia that someone is going to hijack our series?”

“The only thing being hijacked here is your empty head with all these stupid ideas of being hijacked.” Kagura adds.

“We’re far too disorganized to hijack another series, anyways,” comes an unfamiliar voice from the doorway. The three odd jobbers freeze in place.

“Awwe, come on, Choromatsu. Why would you say something like that? Don’t go putting us down, you make your big bro so sad when you do that!!” There’s a hint of obnoxious laughter in the next voice that appears, and Shinpachi slowly turns in his seat.

“Well, it’s true! God knows we can’t even get jobs in our own series, and they’re worried we’re going to somehow commandeer theirs? Unlikely.” The first voice is speaking again, and it belongs to a serious-looking man in a green hoodie. Coming through the door behind him are a handful of more men with identical faces, each wearing a different coloured hoodie. Shinpachi swallows hard. Of course he knows that Osomatsu-san is about a group of sextuplets, but seeing them in person is… Well, it’s a sight to behold, alright.

“Why would we want to take over Gintama, anyways?” The speaker this time is wearing a pink hoodie, and his eyes are locked on a smartphone in his hand. “We’re obvously the superior anime, anyways,” he says, without a hint of emotion other than sheer boredom, and it takes Shinpachi a few seconds to fully parse the _incredibly_ provocative statement he’s just made.

“W-wait, hold on a minute—” Shinpachi begins, but Gintoki beats him to the punch.

“Hey, what do mean, _superior?!”_

The one in pink shrugs, and beside him, the one in blue whips off his sunglasses so dramatically that Shinpachi feels a twinge of real, physical pain flash through his body.

“Heh. Haven’t you heard? We’re a sensation, you know. The _talk of the town,_ as they say. We’ve got hordes of fangirls all over the world who woud die for a chance to meet us in person! Didn’t you watch our season two premiere this week?” Shinpachi cringes at the guy’s broken English, and across the room Gintoki is positively _fuming_.

“What, you think that just because you have a few fans, you’re hot shit? Like how Vegeta thinks he’s the strongest fighter in the universe?!?” Gintoki clenches his fists, and Shinpachi sighs. He’s got no right to judge the Matsuno brothers when the Yorozuya has someone embarrassing on their side as well. “Well, we have fans too! We’re a top-selling series with tons of fangirls! Do you know how many times real life girls have voted me as ideal boyfriend material? Even Vegeta came over to the hero side eventually, so I know you guys can eventually accept that we’re higher quality,” Gintoki preaches.

“Call yourselves top-selling all you want, but the fact of the matter is we’re just better.” The pink one shrugs again, and continues without looking up. “For one thing, our references aren’t wildly outdated. I mean come on, Dragon Ball? Plus you’re always picking on Naruto, and Dragon Quest, and all sorts of other retro series.”

“ _You’re_ calling _us_ outdated? _You’re originally from the sixties!!!_ And how dare you insult all of those classics!”

“Just because they’re classics doesn’t mean they’re not old. Just face it, no one cares about Boruto’s Dad anymore except for you guys.”

The one in green – Choromatsu, Shinpacih recalls – nods his assent. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Todomatsu is right. Everyone’s reading about Midoriya Izuku and Hinata Shouyou and Eren Jaeger these days.”

“Hey, people still read One Piece! People still care about Luffy!” Gintoki counters through gritted teeth.

“Well…” Choromatsu falters, “that’s. That is true.”

An awkward silence falls over the room.

“A-anyways,” Shinpachi starts hesitantly, “we should probably stop arguing like this… It’ll be tough on our readers to follow, since this isn’t animated or even drawn…”

“True, true, our series are best expereinced in a more visual format than fanfiction, aren’t they?” Choromatsu smiles, a clear acceptance of the olive brancg that Shinpachi has extended.

“Like I said earlier, this crossover is really contrived,” Gintoki jumps in. “I mean, posting the first chapter in the week after both of our shows start a new season? Talk about transparent. The author is obviously using the new season hype as a popularity booster.”

“They’re cutting it pretty close, too, aren’t they? Doesn’t your second episode air tomorrow?” Red-sweater brushes a finger under his nose and grins.

“I bet the writer thinks they’re _actually_ gonna update this on a weekly basis, too,” Gintoki snorts, and everyone chuckles. A sense of calm settles over the small apartment, and a little bit of tension bleeds out of Shinpachi’s shoulders.

And then a low voice breaks the silence— “So… now what?” It’s one of the brothers that hasn’t spoken yet – he’s wearing purple and leaning against the wall, far back from the group.

Gintoki shrugs. “Well, I didn’t really have any plans beyond poking fun at you losers—”

“Which would be wildly hypocritcal, you know,” Shinpachi mutters under his breath, but Gintoki just waves him off.

“Look, this is getting stupid, and I’m tired, so I’m going to go play some pachinko and forget about this whole idiotic premise.” Gintoki stretches and stands.

“Oh, you guys have pachinko here??” Red sweater’s eyes light up with excitement. “Count me in! You got horse racing too?”

“Of course we do, who do you think we are?” Gintoki drawls, and the two step out the door, leaving everyone else in silence once again, this one being somewhat more on the awkward side than the last.

Shinpachi glances nervously around the room – there’s not really any point to any of the Matsunos being here anymore, but he’s not sure what to suggest they do, since he doesn’t know what they like, or even what most of their names are, for that matter…

Shinpachi coughs stiffly. “Ah, we never introduced ourselves properly, did we? We’re Yorozuya Gin-chan. I’m Shinpachi, and that’s Kagura.”

“And the lazy gambling shithead who just left is our stupid leader, Gin-chan,” Kagura adds.

“Ah, sorry we should have introduced ourselves as well!” Choromatsu rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. “I’m Choromatsu, the third brother.”

“Karamatsu, at your service.” the one in blue says in what is probably intended to be a suave voice, but definitely comes across… well… certainly not as cool as he likely wants it to. “Second eldest.”

“I’m Todomatsu,” says the one in pink, without looking up from his phone.

“Ichimatsu,” mumbles the one in purple.

“Ichimatsu is the fourth, and Todomatsu is the youngest,” Choromatsu smiles, and then immediately frowns. “Uh…. Where’s Jyushimatsu? Wasn’t he with us when we got here, Ichimatsu?”

Ichimatsu shrugs. “Beats me. I’m pretty sure he made it across into this world, at least.”

Choromatsu sighs. “Well, I’m sure you guys will meet him eventually. He usually wears yellow, and he likes baseball. Oh, and of course you’ve also met the eldest – Osomatsu.”

“The scumbag who left to go play pachinko as soon as your leader brought it up,” Todomatsu yawns. “Well, anyways, I’m heading out now. See ya.” And with a casual wave of his hand, the youngest Matsuno exits the apartment.

Choromatsu rolls his eyes. “I apologize for my youngest brother’s rudeness earlier, by the way.”

“Oh, no worries,” Shinpachi laughs. “We would’ve given Gin-san shit for ranting if he hadn’t.”

“Gin-chan thinks his opinions are relevant,” Kagura explains, “so we have to put him in his place sometimes.”

Choromatsu smiles. “Well, I suppose it was rather entertaining. Anyways, we should stop imposing on these guys. Ichimatsu, Karamatsu-niisan, lets get going.”

“Ah yes, there’s a whole world out there just waiting to be explored, isn’t there?” Karamatsu chuckles. “Come, _dearest brother_ , let us go see what all the fuss is about, shall we?”

“Shut up, shittymatsu,” Ichimatsu growls as he kicks his brother out the door. There’s a sharp yelp, and then Choromatsu slides the door shut behind them.

Silence reigns, once more.

“So… that happened,” Shinpachi says, hesitantly.

Kagura nods, eyes fixed on some indeterminate, distant point. “Yup… it sure did.”

Their encounter hadn’t been as chaotic as Gintoki had predicted, but it had still been… a fairly wild ride, to say the least. Shinpachi sighs, and adjusts his glasses.

 _Only time will tell if this will be a complete disaster or not, I suppose,_ he thinks. _Hopefully it won’t get too out of hand._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what will those pesky matsuno brothers get up to around town? will the world really descend into chaos as gintoki has anticipated? and will the author actually manage to update at a reasonable time next week? tune in next time to find out!
> 
> (questions/thoughts? i'd love to hear them - feel free to leave a comment, or visit me on tumblr @ [charmingstrangeness](http://charmingstrangeness.tumblr.com/))


	2. Tidbits Collection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> definitely missed my personal friday deadline for this one but in my defense it's a monstrously long chapter and i lost a couple days to work and updated another fic so i mean. close enough. 
> 
> anyways do u ever look at a character (karamatsu) and feel the cosmic urge to ask said character's (karamatsu's) show's writers (ososan anime staff) why that character is Like That

Edo’s Kabuki district is like nothing Choromatsu has ever experienced, and god only knows he’s experienced a lot of weird shit in his time. It seems a little silly, objectively, to feel so blown away by it all, when he’d already known going into this nonsense arrangement that Edo here is an anachronistic mess, but seeing it all in person is definitely something else. The novelty of the future beside the nostalgia of the past, all blended together with the perfectly mundane trappings of a typical modern existence – honestly, it’s enough to leave him reeling. He’s been wandering the streets of the Kabuki district just drinking it all in for what feels like eons, now, ever since he lost track of his brothers after leaving the Yorozuya apartment this morning.

Choromatsu smiles hesitantly; it’s been ages since he’s been able to lose track of time like that, and it feels nice. Experiencing the sights and sounds of a city in childlike wonder – it’s relaxing, in a way. Therapeutic, even. Just wandering around, lost in time and space, and o _h god is that seriously the time?!_ The icy grip of anxiety clutches at his guts, and adrenaline floods his arteries, and it takes Choromatsu a solid minute of deep breathing to remind himself that it’s okay that he’s wasted – no, not wasted, _spent_ – several _entire_ hours doing _absolutely fucking nothing useful._ It’s okay, because there’s nothing to do here. There are no job applications to be working on or resumes to hand out or Nyaa-chan merch lineups to be waiting in. This is practically a vacation, and people don’t _do_ things on vacation, and anyways in the first place he’s a NEET so it’s not like he has anything to do—

Groaning, Choromatsu buries his face in his hands. Well, they do say old habits die hard, after all, and maybe it wouldn’t kill him to get a job… Not that he’d even know where to start, mind you. _Does Edo even_ have _employment agencies?_ It’s such a commonplace and typical thing, but would an alternate universe Earth invaded by aliens have come up with them? Surely not _every_ modern amenity will have been recreated here—

“Oh, are you still looking for Takamagahara?” An unfamiliar voice interrupts Choromatsu’s train of thought.

He looks up at the speaker, and squints – it’s a guy he’s never seen before, with big brown eyes and long black hair wearing a light grey haori over a dark blue kimono. And standing behind him… _Is that an alien???_ It’s… a giant duck, as far as he can tell, but then a passing breeze briefly exposes a pair of human feet under a fluttering sheet. _What the hell??? Is that an old man wearing a duck costume???_ And who is the man speaking to him, in the first place?

“I’m sorry, I’m looking for who, now?”

“Not who, where. Are you still lost?” the man inquires kindly. Behind him, the old man-duck-alien-thing produces a small sign out of seemingly nowhere, which reads:

_He’s wearing different clothes since this morning. He must have found it._

A switch flips in Choromatsu’s brain as he realizes what must have happened.

“Hmm, what was that, Elizabeth?” The man glances at the sign. “Ah! That’s true! Sorry to have bothered you, I’ll be on my way.” He bows his head and starts to walk away.

“W-wait! You probably saw my twin brother this morning.”

The man pauses and looks over his shoulder. “Oh, is that it? Well, there’s that mystery solved!” A relieved smile spreads across his face.

“Although, if you helped him this morning, I think maybe you could help me as well?” Choromatsu asks hesitantly.

“Well, I’m trying to find someone right now, so I may not have time…”

“It’s okay, I just need some directions. Do you know where i could go to find work?”

The man frowns thoughtfully. “Hmm… finding that kind of thing isn’t exactly my area of expertise… Ah!” His eyes light up. “Gintoki would help you, of course! There’s a place – maybe you’ve heard of it – Yorozuya Gin-chan. It’s an odd jobs business, so they can help you with whatever you need.”

_Seriously??_ Choromatsu grits his teeth – but he was just at Yorozuya Gin-chan, dammit! Although… they _are_ an odd jobs business, so really, they would be the most helpful in this situation…

Choromatsu smiles gratefully. “Thank you… ah, what was your name, sorry?”

“It’s Katsura. And yours?”

“Matsuno Choromatsu. Thank you for your help, Katsura-san! I hope you find whoever you’re looking for!”

“Thank you! Good luck!” Katsura gives a small wave before turning and continuing on his way.

Choromatsu takes a deep breath. _Well… back to the Yorozuya, then._ And so he goes.

 

* * *

 

Snack Smile has that same, typical bar smell of alcohol mixed with the general musk of humanity, only it’s lightly tinged with perfume, as well. Karamatsu inhales and lets out a contented sigh; now this, _this_ is where he belongs – mingling with all the most beautiful women in all of Edo, drinking and partying the night away with them.

“Was there anyone in particular you came here to see, sir?” the manager asks as he leads him down the hall towards the main room.

“Why, only your finest girl, naturally!” Karamatsu laughs.

“Ah, then I know just the girl,” the manager smirks, and they step into the main room.

The sweet scent of sake and perfume hits him again, and the lighting is moody without being too dim, and Karamatsu is almost drunk on the sultry atmosphere. He arrives at a cozy booth, and there waiting for him – waiting for _him,_ imagine! A true, _bona fide_ Karamatsu girl – she’s wearing a purpe kimono, and her beautiful brown hair is tied up in a high ponytail, and look at that gorgeous smile, why, it could rival his own trademark sparkling grin, even!

_Cabaret clubs are truly Heaven on Earth,_ Karamatsu thinks as he slides into the booth beside her.

“Hello, _my honey_ ,” he croons, and is that a light flush on her cheeks? A gentle blush dusting her glorious visage? The self-satisfied smirk that creeps onto his lips cannot be helped. “And what is the name of the fine blossom that I’ll be having the pleasure to drink with tonight?”

The girl’s cheeks darken a little further – a sure sign of infatuation, Karamatsu is certain! And that twitch of her eyelid, that subtly-outlined vein in her temple – those are just tricks of the light, he ‘s sure of it. He’s irresistably cool, after all; there’s no way she isn’t appreciating that right now.

And look there! Her brow uncreases, and her face lights up with a sunny smile, and her name drops from her lips like a precious jewel – _Shimura Tae._

“A beautiful name for a beautiful girl,” he winks, and produces a rose from the sleeve of his leather jacket. “Now, what sweet nectar would you care to indulge in tonight?” he asks as he passes her the rose, then reaches into his jacket once more. “Choose whatever you’d like, for tonight you are my _Karamastu Girl_ , and that means you can have whatever your dear heart desires.” He places his wallet on the table – unlike his idiot brothers, he’d had the foresight to save up some money in advance for this trip.

Tae sniffs the rose primly, then leans towards Karamatsu. “Whatever my heart desires? I think a bottle of Dom Perignon would be perfect right now.”

Karamatsu fiddles nervously with his bangs, but keeps his voice smooth. “Heh. Your wish is my command, _my beauty_.” He waves at a nearby server – “one bottle of Dom Perignon, if you would!” – and tries not to think about how much of his savings this is going to eat through.

“Make that two bottles of Dom Perignon, please!”

Karamatsu whips his head around to find the source of the voice, which definitely did not belong to the young lady beside him and most definitely _did_ belong to a man who seems to be… crawling out from under the table? And the beautful Tae – she’s looking _extremely_ unimpressed with this situation. It’s… certainly intimidating, to say the least. Karamatsu swallows hard.

“What are you doing here, you stupid gorilla?!” she hisses. “Didn’t I tell you not to stalk me at work anymore? Or at all, for that matter?”

“Otae-san, I’m just looking out for your best interests, you know? You need to be careful around guys like this! Look, his whole aura just screams ‘scumball’, wouldn’t you say?”

“Who are you calling a scumball?!” Karamatsu finally manages to choke out.

“Yeah, look at the pot calling the kettle black here!” Tae scolds, and Karamatsu’s brow wrinkles at the casual insult thrown his way.

“I’ll have you both know, I’m no scumball! I’m the absolute picture of the perfect gentleman!”

The other two turn their heads in tandem to glare at him, and Karamatsu flinches, suppressing the instinctive urge to jump up in a panic and sprint out of the building and as far from Tae’s death gaze as he possibly can. _Every rose has its thorns,_ he reminds himself, although even his inner voice is quaking in fear.

A derisive snort from the gorilla brings Karamatsu back to the present moment. “It doesn’t matter what kind of gentleman you are – Otae-san is under my care, so if you want to be with her you’ll have to go through me first!”

Karamatsu frowns. “My good sir, I am the customer here. This beautiful young lady is under my care tonight, and if you’d like to join in on our pleasant evening you’ll have to clear it with me first!”

And the next thing he knows, he’s flying across the room.

There’s a loud crash as he lands, and Karamatsu opens his eyes only to see the gorilla’s back a second and a half from colliding with him – just long enough to process what’s about to happen before it does, but not long enough to get out of the way. The air is knocked out of his chest with an audible _whoosh_ as the man slams into him. Across the room, Tae is dusting off her hands, and the look in her eye makes Karamatsu avert his own lest he be executed on the spot by her stare alone.

“I am under nobody’s care but my own,” she states, before turning to the manager, who’s turned up to see the commotion. “They were overstepping some boundaries.”

“Of course, Otae-san,” the manager smiles, “I’ll deal with them immediately.” Less than ten seconds later, Karamatsu is face-down-ass-in-the-air outside the cabaret, nose unceremoniously pressed into the dirt.

_Typical,_ he thinks as he picks himself up and dusts himself off. _Just… typical._

 

* * *

 

The sun shines down on Kagura’s parasol and laughter bubbles from her lips as she chases Sadaharu along the riverbank. It’s a beautiful morning, and never mind that that idiot she lives with is in a bad mood because of some stupid crossover – those weird brothers aren’t even bothering them with anything, and Odd Jobs didn’t have any requests today anyways, so she’s free to spend the day however she please.

She begins to wonder if Soyo is busy right now, and then she catches sight of a figure in yellow standing under the bridge and… swinging a baseball bat?

“Who on earth…?” she mutters to herself, and suddenly Sadaharu is bounding ahead of her towards the stranger.

“Ah! Sadaharu, wait! Heel!” She chases after him. “Don’t jump on strangers, okay Sadaharu?”

Sadaharu barks gleefully, and promptly launches himself towards baseball bat guy.

“Sadaharu!” Kagura calls, fully expecting him to knock the poor guy over, but he looks up just in time, and Kagura catches a brief glimpse of a huge grin plastered across his face before he jumps right at Sadaharu, catching her dog’s head in his arms and clinging onto his neck.

Huh. Kagura’s never seen anyone else actually react to Sadaharu pouncing on them – usually they just get crushed. She finally makes it to the bridge, and the man is enthusiastically scratching Sadaharu behind the ears, and Sadaharu is panting happily.

“Ah, is this your dog?” the stranger calls down to her.

“Yeah, his name is Sadaharu! You can keep petting him if you want, he likes you!” she answers. And then she notices—

“Hey, you’re one of those Matsu sextuplet people or whatever, aren’t you?”

“Ahaha, yup! I’m Jyushimatsu!” Jyushimatsu lets go of Sadaharu’s neck and drops, landing perfectly in a crouch. Straightening his legs, he holds out his hand.

Kagura grins. “I’m Kagura. I work at Yorozuya Gin-chan.” She slaps her hand into his and gives it a firm shake. “You weren’t with everyone else this morning at our apartment.”

“Ah, no, I wasn’t. The river looked really nice when we came by this way, so I went for a swim, and then I wanted to practice my swing, so now I’m here! Oh! Say,” he looks at her expectantly, “do you like baseball? Want to play baseball with me??”

“Sure! I don’t know how to play though, so you’ll have to teach me.”

“Mhm, of course!” Jyushimatsu’s smile widens, somehow, and he looks up at Sadaharu. “Sadaharu-kun, do you want to play too?”

Sadaharu’s answering bark is filled with excitement, and he promptly chomps onto Jyushimatsu’s head.

“Ah! Sadaharu, that’s rude! You should only do that do close friends,” Kagura chastises, but she can hear Jyushimatsu’s laughter echoing from somewhere behind Sadaharu’s teeth, and she watches in slight awe as he lifts his arms and pries Sadaharu’s mouth off of his head without any help.

“He says he wants to play too!” Jyushimatsu flashes a thumbs up at Kagura.

She shakes her head in amazement and laughs. “Okay then, explain to us the rules, please!”

 

* * *

 

When Choromatsu scolds him for booting Karamatsu down the Yorozuya apartment’s outdoor stairs, Ichimatsu only rolls his eyes (because look, _anyone_ would be _thrilled_ to have the opportunity kick Karamatsu down a flight of stairs for speaking the words ‘ _alright fellas let’s bounce_ ’, in English, in this the year of our lord two-thousand-and-seventeen; hell, Ichimatsu _knows_ for a _fact_ that Choromatsu would have done it himself if Ichimatsu hadn’t, so _why_ his idiot older brother is lecturing him about this is absolutey beyond him—)

Anyways, when Choromatsu scolds him for booting Karamatsu down the Yorozuya apartment’s outdoor stairs, Ichimatsu only rolls his eyes and clicks his tongue in derision and stalks off down the road to look for stray cats, because what the hell else is he supposed to do in this weird-ass city full of weird-ass people. Neither of his brothers bother following him, presumably because they either know that he’d rather wander by himself, or because they just flat-out don’t give a shit about him, or some hellish combination of both – Ichimatsu isn’t totally sure, and he’d rather not think about it for too long anyways.

Luckily, stray cats seem to be found in fairly great abundance in this town, in addition to stray dogs and some stray potential aliens…? Ichimatsu only really cares about the cats though (naturally), and he even brought some dried anchovies across with him for the express purpose of making some new friends.

He settles in in the corner of a nice little park – no different, in many ways, than the parks back home. Of course, the people are vastly different – all dressed in traditional Japanese yukatas and kimonos, except for when they’re dressed in the same modern fashion one might see back in the Akatsuka Ward, or when they’re literal aliens wearing whatever alien fashion they’ve brought with them to this version of Earth. Ichimatsu hasn’t always been super fond of people-watching – it’s frequently boring, and he’d much rather just pet cats – but here he can’t help but stare sometimes at the people going by. At one point he thinks he spots that Odd Jobs girl running by with an enormous white dog. _Jyushimatsu would’ve loved to see that dog,_ he thinks, _if only the bastard hadn’t slipped away immediately after arriving_. Choromatsu had seemed concerned about Jyushimatsu disappearing, but Ichimatsu isn’t too worried about his younger brother’s whereabouts – he’s probably off swinging his bat by the nearest body of water; Ichimatsu will track him down later on and it’ll all be fine. He’s probably having a grand old time, wherever he is, and that’s all that really matters.

The cats are all wary at first, but they quickly becomes incredibly friendly once they figure out that Ichimatsu has food for them. One in particular is especially bold – a great big black-and-grey monster of a cat, with gorgeous dark green eyes and tufts of mangled fur where his ears apparently used to be. The tiniest of smiles touches Ichimatsu’s lips as he reaches over and scratches the cat’s neck. It lets out a contended meow, and gently butts its head against Ichimatsu’s hand in a silent request to continue.

“Hmm… you like that, eh?” God, there really is nothing in this world so pure and good as a happy cat.

Continuing his ministrations to the cat’s neck and shoulders, Ichimatsu continues his observations. Across the way, he watches a man in a worn-out brown yukata and sunglasses (which only slightly less obnoxious than Karamatsu’s, at best) stop at a vending machine. The man doesn’t buy anything, though; he drops onto his stomach and peers under the bottom, and then reaches his arm underneath and begins sweeping it around.

_Must be looking for dropped change,_ Ichimatsu decides. He lets his attention drift back to the cats.

A few minutes later, he looks back up, and the man is still there, reaching with all of his might. Ichimatsu’s brow furrows. _How hard is he trying, here? Just how desperate is this guy?_ He shakes his head, and deliberately moves his focus back to the cats.

A few more minutes pass, and when Ichimatsu looks up again, the man is _still there._ He feels a vein begin to throb in his temple. _Seriously?! Just give up already!_ Maybe the guy’s arm is stuck? But no, there, he’s withdrawing it from under the vending machine, and stretching his shoulders a bit, he must be getting ready to lea— Oh, no, there he goes, back under the machine on his quest for loose change. Ichimatsu shakes his head. How broke does a guy need to be to search for loose change under a vending machine for a solid ten minutes or longer? Even Ichimatsu hasn’t tried for that long, and as far as he knows neither have any of his brothers.

_Well, maybe Osomatsu._ Osomatsu might stay under a vending machine looking for change for quite a while. _If the mood took him, I gue— ohhhh God oh no he saw me shit fuck!_

Ichimatsu abrubtly turns his head away from the vending machine man and stares intently at the cats again, although he can’t help trying to peer in his direction from the corner of his eye. The man seems to have turned his attention back to the vending machine, so Ichimatsu slowly turns to look at him again. The man’s head turns a bit, as though he’s glancing in Ichimatsu’s direction, and Ichimatsu quickly looks down again.

_Fuck. He knows I was looking._ Is he upset that Ichimatsu was watching him struggle for change? He’s probably feeling embarrassed, and scrutinized, and maybe even _angry—_

Anxious guilt wraps itself around Ichimatsu’s heart. He takes a quick peek and _oh no oh nonononono_ the guy is walking towards Ichimatsu now, _he’s probably mad and wants to beat me up, fuck, he’s gonna—_

“If you like cats… There’s a place where they all like to hang out, if you’re interested.”

“I— huh?”

“Ah, I just figured I’d let you know, you’ve been out here for quite a while with these strays…” The stranger laughs nervously and scratches the back of his neck. “Just trying to be helpful. You look like you’re new to town; I haven’t seen you around before.”

“Oh. Yeah. Th-thanks,” Ichimatsu swallows nervously. So he wasn’t mad, after all… Although something still feels off about the guy, like he’s emanating some kind of aura of despair behind that friendly demeanor…

The stranger gives him directions, but Ichimatsu can’t hear him over the feeling of his stomach still doing somersaults. As soon as the man waves goodbye and leaves, Ichimatsu stumbles to his feet and sets off in the opposite direction. He just needs to get away from the guy, as far away as possible, and away from the park because it’s too open and public and someone else is probably going to talk to him eventually… Ichimatsu grits his teeth. He should’ve known better than to stay for that long in a park…

_At least he gave me a tip about where to find more cats, I guess._ Ichimatsu sighs. He definitely missed the directions, but with enough wandering he’s sure to find them eventually…

 

* * *

 

Shinpachi’s wearing an apron, a white bandana and a surprised look on his face when he slides open the front door of the apartment.

“Ah, sorry, was I interrupting anything?” Now that he’s back at the Yorozuya, Choromatsu is less sure about his plan to ask for help finding a job. He swallows nervously.

Shinpachi’s face spreads into a gentle smile, though. “Ah, I was just getting some cleaning done, it’s fine! Come in!”

Choromatsu breathes a sigh of relief and follows Shinpachi into the apartment.

“So what brings you back, Choromatsu-san?” the boy asks as he unties his apron. “Would you like some tea?”

“Well… I’m actually here as a client this time, I guess.” Choromatsu takes a seat on one of the couches. “And tea would be lovely, thank you, Shinpachi-kun.”

“I’ll be with you in just a moment,” Shinpachi says, and begins gathering his cleaning supplies.

Choromatsu nods, and leans back into the couch. A quiet few minutes later, Shinpachi is sitting across from him, and they’re both holding small cups of hot tea.

“So then, let’s get down to business. What’s your job request?” Shinpachi asks.

“Well… I’d like to find a job, actually.”

“Really?” Shinpachi raises his eyebrows. “You know a crossover is basically a vacation… You really want to find a job in Edo?”

Choromatsu nods. “I know it seems strange, but I feel really restless if I’m not working…”

“Not to be rude but, uh, aren’t you an unemployed NEET in your own canon?”

“Well… yes… but…” Choromatsu’s brow furrows. “Even in my own canon, I’m always looking for a job, or if I’m not looking for a job at least I have Ny— my hobbies.” _Close call, Choromatsu._ Whatever else he does, he absolutely _cannot_ admit to this teenager that he, a twenty-something-year-old adult, is still an idol otaku.

Shinpachi leans forward with interest. “Oh? What kind of hobbies?”

“A-ah, uh, y’know, just. Listening to music, stuff like that.” Choromatsu can feel the sweat beginning to bead on his forehead.

“You like music too? What kind of music do you listen to??” And suddenly, Shinpachi has tranformed from the polite, responsible young man he’s been coming across as so far into an ordinary excitable teen. Choromatsu suppresses a groan – did he seriously manage to bring up presumably the one thing that the kid is _this_ passionate about? _Although… I wonder…_

Choromatsu hesitates, before deciding to just go for it. “I mostly listen to pop music, especially from one of our canon idols.” He can feel his cheeks heating up, but he continues. “She’s got a nice voice, and she’s really cute—”

_“You like idols too?!?!”_ Tea sloshes out of the cups as Shinpachi jumps up and hits the table in the process, and Choromatsu’s jaw drops. _I can’t believe my hunch was_ actually _right._ “Choromatsu-san, I have a fan club meeting this afternoon. You should come with me!” His eyes are sparkling behind his glasses, and he’s wearing an eager grin, and _heck_ Choromatsu can’t say no when he’s looking at him like that.

“Yeah okay, I’d love to check it out!” Whoever she is, she can’t possibly be comparable to Nyaa-chan, but it would still be interesting to check out an actual idol fan club. Being among fellow enthusiasts… What more could Choromatsu want out of life, really?

_And now I can put off finding a job for a little longer, too._ Choromatsu smiles. This crossover is already going shockingly well, and really, it’s only about to get better from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> actually come to think of it did i ever formally promise to update on fridays? that's the goal here but so far i'm definitely not managing that but i mean whatever it's fiiiiine
> 
> ANYWAYS shoutout to the ppl whomstve commented and kudos-ed thus far <3 and as always i love hearing ur thoughts so 100% feel free to drop a comment here or over on tumblr @ [charmingstrangeness](http://charmingstrangeness.tumblr.com/) orrrr even on (drumroll) twitter, where i now exist for fandom bullshit purposes [@madameforeman](https://twitter.com/madameforeman) (bc my Brand Name was too long, screw u twitter)
> 
> anyways,
> 
> Next Time On The Crossover No One Asked For: more of this shit with a possible bonus cameo ft. potential plot developments? spooky.


	3. Terrorists Have Errands, Too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i definitely know how baseball works daiya no ace is one of my favourite series okay

“So what’s your world like?” Kagura asks, aiming a swift kick at the side of Jyushimatsu’s head.

He dodges her foot. “Ah, I dunno? It’s colourful! And it’s fun. I like it,” he responds, throwing a punch that she blocks with ease.

“What kind of people are there? Do you have friends?” The baseball bat is just behind Jyushimatsu, and she thinks she could reach if she were a couple feet more forward.

“There’s Totoko-chan!” Jyushimatsu’s ever-present grin widens. Kagura lunges for the bat, only to be cut off by her opponent. “And Chibita, and Hatabou. They’ve been our friends since we were kids.”

Kagura frowns – she’ll have to try a different approach if she wants to be able to bat this inning. “What are they like?” she asks, carefullness involuntarily seeping into her voice. She steps experimentally to the left once, twice.

“Hatabou is rich now. He gives advice to the President of the United States.” Jyushimatsu steps in tandem with her. “Chibita makes the best oden in the galaxy, and he’s the best bartender too. And Totoko-chan is adorable!” He punctuates the statement by throwing his arms in the air, and Kagura takes her chance to dive to the right, snatching up the bat.

“Got it!” she laughs as she stands, dusting herself off. “Okay, pitch me your best one!”

Jyushimatsu laughs with her. “Yeah, you got me! Ready?”

 

* * *

 

Since it’s probably in his favour to stick with what he knows best, Karamatsu figures he ought to find a nice bridge to stand on and woo women from instead of trying another cabaret club. He’s always been fond of bridges; they have a certain atmosphere about them – that same wistful, otherwordly feeling you get at bus stops and outside the convenience store at 3 am. It’s moody, and, romantic, and perfect for existing as the cool chick magnet he’s always dreamed of being.

Lucky for him, Edo seems to have quite a few ideal bridges, and soon enough Karamatsu is leaning on a railing gazing softly into the distance, wearing his best dark and brooding expression. He smiles pridefully (well, just in his mind, at any rate; a real smile would ruin the effect of his expression) – any woman would be thrilled to so much as speak to him, and he’s sure there must be at least a couple staring at him right now, daring themselves to approach him but too intimidated by his sheer perfection… And look, right there, even now! A beautiful face framed by gorgeous, long mauve hair, and deep charcoal eyes complimented by bright red glasses – she’s the very image of a _Karamatsu girl._ And she glances at him in short intervals, as if working up the courage to come say hello.

_Perhaps,_ Karamatsu thinks, _I should take the initiative with her…_

He gazes out at the river, deep in thought – lets his eyes drift down the current, studies the water as it swirls and flows and splashes. Taking the initiative is a fine thing, but sometimes it’s best not to be too hasty. One cannot rush love – if it’s true, it will find a way. Satisfied with his conclusion, Karamatsu looks back up, but the woman has disappeared.

_Ah._ Well, not much to be done about that, then. Truly, beauty is fleeting. Karamatsu sighs.

“Oh, it’s you again!”

Karamatsu’s heart leaps into his throat – from excitement, mind you. _Anticipation._ Definitely not from fearful surprise at being actually addressed by someone, for once. And someone with such a low, friendly voice, for that matter. Someone who… apparently knows him? In this universe that he’s only been in for less than a day…?

Well, the details are irrelevant, really. All that matters is that someone – a _friendly_ someone – is attempting contact. Karamatsu takes a deep breath to slow his heart rate. What should he do? How should he respond? But no, there’s no time to figure that out – he just needs to act natural, in this instance. Improvise, and play it by ear.

He puts on a grin – you know, that trademark Karamatsu smirk – and turns around slowly.

“Heh. So we meet again, my _Karamatsu gi—_ ”

A man that Karamatsu has never seen before in his life is standing before him, and a…

A…

Duck?

Is that.

_What is that??_

…Well whatever it is, it’s standing behind the man, and the man is standing in front of it, and his lips are moving and _oh he’s saying something what is he saying?? Shit!!_

“—at Takamagahara?”

The man looks at him quizzically. Karamatsu notices that his jaw has gona slack, and does the only thing he can think to do in the moment—

“Ah, sorry, could you repeat that?” he asks.

“I said, ‘Did you get that jacket at Takamagahara?’ “ the stranger replies, and Karamatsu casually notes that he’s absolutely no better off now than he was three seconds ago when he hadn’t heard what the man had asked him.

“Uh, no. I got it at a thrift shop several years ago,” he replies automatically, because what else does one say when one is asked where they got their (totally badass) jacket from?

“Oh, I see,” the man replies in a very automatic tone of voice. There’s a hint of confusion in his eyes, and Karamatsu wonders if perhaps he was mistaken for someone else.

_Heh. Who knew I had a doppelganger in this city?_ Karamatsu muses. Well, all that’s left is to set the record straight, then.

“My deepest apologies, my good sir.” Karamatsu chooses a solid grandiose-yet-humble tone of voice. “You seem to have mistaken me for someone else.”

“Oh? That’s what your twin said earlier, too.”

_My tw— oh. Oh. Right. Of course._ It’s not terribly common for Karamatsu to feel the need to punch himself repeatedly in the face, but this is… potentially one of those times. Almost certainly.

Karamatsu sighs deeply and without exaggeration. “We’re sextuplets, actually. One of them probably said twins out of convenience.”

“Ohhh, I see!” The man’s face lights up at his explanation – Karamatsu isn’t really sure _why_ this guy seems so excited to hear this news, but to be fair, it’s gotta be weird encountering the same face more than once in one day if you aren’t used to it. He seems like a nice enough person, at any rate, so Karamatsu figures it could be worth starting up a conversation.

“What’s this Takamagahara place anyways? Some kind of clothing store?”

“Ah, no, it’s a host club!” He smiles. “I thought maybe they gave you that cool-looking jacket to help you pick up women.”

Karamatsu can’t help but beam at the compliment. _Finally, someone who knows good fashion when they see it._ “Ah, yeah, no I got this a long time ago, actually.” And then the man’s words finish processing fully— “Wait, what’s a host club?”

“You know, men entertaining women? Like the opposite of a cabaret club? I thought maybe you got a job there. Your brother was looking for it this morning.”

Gears begin turning in the back of Karamatsu’s brain. Men entertaining women? And getting paid to do so? And which brother was trying to find a host club to work at?

And most importantly—

_Is this a thing I could do?_

“You know… I wasn’t looking for Takamagahara today,” Karamatsu says, carefully considering each word, “but… I think I might be now. Would you be so kind as to give me directions, my good sir?”

“Why of course! You’re not too far actually, it’s just up the road and down a bit!” As the man describes the directions to the host club, Karamatsu can’t help the grin that spreads across his face. And here he was thinking Edo would just be everything he was already used to all over again – who knew one could get paid to hang out with women? Women who would _voluntarily choose_ to be with you? And many of which would probably _like_ the painful cool guy schtick if they’re going out of their way to visit a host club?

“Think you’ll be alright finding it?”

“Thanks to your impeccable directions, I am certain that I shall manage quite fine,” Karamatsu practically laughs. “You’ve done me a great service today. Tell me stranger, what’s your name? Is there anything I can do to repay this favour?” He asks with a slight flourish.

The man laughs jovially. “I’m Katsura. And if you see a silver-haired samurai, let him know I’m looking for him, but otherwise don’t worry too much about it. I’m sure to find him eventually.”

“Katsura. Thank you. My name is Karamatsu.” He gives a small salute. “Well, I’ll be off. Farewell, Katsura-san!”

Katsura laughs again and waves goodbye, and Karamatsu makes his way down the road with a little more bounce in his step than he’d had only minutes ago.

 

* * *

 

Kagura strikes out – as it turns out, trying to hit a tiny ball with a bat is much harder than it seems. Although it’s not the end of the world, since it means they get to move back to the sparring phase of the inning, which she greatly prefers to the batting phase.

“What about your friends here?”

“Hm?”

“Do you have friends here?” Jyushimatsu repeats, and Kagura launches herself out the way of his fist.

“There’s the Boss Lady – that’s Shinpachi’s sister. And Zura… He’s a terrorist. A shitty one, but he’s alright. And Madao too, I guess.”

“What’s a Madao?”

“A useless old man with shitty luck.”

“Ah, I see. Maybe my brothers and I will become Madao someday if we stay NEETs forever,” Jyushimatsu laughs.

Kagura giggles. “You’re already Madao, probably.”

“If you say so, then it must be true! Who else?”

“Sacchan. She’s a ninja, and she’s in love with Gin-chan and stalks him everywhere.” Kagura frowns. “Actually, we have a lot of stalkers… There’s also the Gorilla, he stalks Shinpachi’s sister…”

There’s a flash of yellow, and Kagura barely reacts in time to grab Jyushimatsu’s arm. “Thought you could distract me and get me talking, huh?”

Jyushimatsu chuckles. “It was worth a shot, Miss Queen of Sparring.”

Kagura grins. “Not queen. Call me Madame Foreman.”

 

* * *

 

One thing about himself that Ichimatsu takes absolute pride in is his abiity to navigate – not that he’d actually _admit_ that to anyone, mind you, it’s more just a little aspect of himself that he particularly likes. It’s something he got fairly good at out of necessity, really; when you spend a lot of time exploring back alleys and side streets in search of cats, you tend to develop a really good sense of direction. So it’s only to be expected, then, that Ichimatsu _hates_ admitting it to himself when he’s lost. He can’t stand it. He doesn’t _get_ lost, ever, except on rare occasions like when he’s exploring a new part of the city, or when he’s been transplanted into a different fucking series’ universe and has to navigate the bullshit that is old Edo (and an alternate universe version, no less).

He’s been looking for that damn house where all the cats supposedly hang out for god only knows how long now, but he’s gotten so turned around he’s not sure he can make it make to even the Yorozuya apartment without asking for directions. It’s a frustrating situation to be in, to say the least, and more than anything else, he just wants to go ho—

“Oh! Look, Elizabeth, it’s another one!”

Ichimatsu flinches. He looks at the source of the voice – a man with long hair beling followed by… a duck alien? Or something? Whatever. Ichimatsu’ seen weirder shit, probably.

“Go die,” he mumbles under his breath, out of earshot of the other man.

“I ought to send him off to Takamagahara too!” The man laughs. “I’ve met some of your brothers today. You look lost, is there anything I can help you find?”

Ichimatsu groans. Of course a complete stranger is approaching him because of his shitty brothers. Of course he said he looks lost. Of course. His gut begins to twist in on itself.

“I’m not lost,” Ichimatsu snaps. “I just got a bit turned around, that’s all.” _Go away, I don’t need your help or your pity!_

The man’s brow wrinkles. “Ah… I see. Well if there was anything you’re looking for, I can always help. I’m looking for someone myself, actually.”

“Oh.” Ichimatsu really has no idea what to say to that – what’s he supposed to say to this stranger who keeps acting like they’re friends? Like they know each other? His stomach continues its acrobatics, and Ichimatsu wants nothing more than to be anywhere but right here, right now.

The man seems to be saying something, but Ichimatsu is done listening. “Sorry, I need to get going,” he interrupts, and then takes off. He’s thinking clearly enough to choose to run towards the man, in the direction he came from, because he probably wouldn’t backtrack, would he? It’s too late to change his mind, at any rate – he’s running past the guy, and cutting around a corner—

There’s a flash of light purple, and Ichimatsu feels himself slam into someone.

_Ah shit shit fuck crap shit—_

Picking himself up off the ground, he mutters a quick ‘sorry’ and lets his legs carry him away as quickly as they can before whoever he slammed into has the chance to react.

_This was a mistake,_ he thinks. _I want to go home._

 

* * *

 

Inevitably, Jyushimatsu manages to get the bat, and hits a homerun off of Kagura’s pitch with ease. She grits her teeth in frustration. “Next time, I will send you a pitch you _definitely_ won’t be able to hit, okay?”

Jyushimatsu bounces on his heels and laughs. “I’ll look forward to it!” He places the bat on the ground behind him, and takes a fighting stance. “Okay, I’m ready!”

“Here I come!” Kagura grins, and the muscles in her legs contract in preparation for a jump —

Somewhere off to her right, Sadaharu barks happily. She looks up – _is Sadarharu done napping? Maybe he can play baseball with us too_ – but no, there’s Zura, shoving his idiot face in Sadaharu’s face and scratching behind his ears.

Kagura sighs. “Zura, what are you doing?”

He looks up at the sound of his name. “It’s not Zura, it’s— oh! It’s another sextuplet!”

“This is Jyushimatsu. We’re playing baseball,” Kagura calls out. She turns to Jyushimatsu. “Let’s pause the game for a bit. I’ll introduce you to my shitty terrorist friend.”

Jyushimatsu nods, and they walk over to where said shitty terrorist is preoccupied with snuggling up to Sadaharu to the best of his abilities.

“Zura, you should stop harassing Sadaharu. He’ll get annoyed and eat you, probably, and I wouldn’t want him to get sick eating trash off the ground.”

“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura, and Sadaharu-dono is enjoying himself just fine. He’s too fond of me to eat me.” He does pause in his ministrations long enough to reach out a hand towards Jyushimatsu, though. “I’m Katsura Kotarou. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Jyushimatsu grabs his hand and shakes it vigorously. “Matsuno Jyushimatsu. Madame Foreman here told me you’re a shitty terrorist.”

“Not a shitty terrorist, just a terrorist.” Zura wrinkles his nose. “Leader, have you seen Gintoki today? I can’t seem to find him anywhere.”

“He’s playing pachinko. You seriously didn’t check there first?” Kagura raises an eyebrow.

Jyushimatsu nods. “He’s with my scumbag oldest brother.”

Zura slams a hand to his forehead. “Of course he’s at the pachinko parlour! I can’t believe I didn’t check there first!”

“What do you want to see that pathetic man for anyways?” Kagura asks.

“I have important business I need to speak with him about,” he responds somewhat cryptically, in typical Zura fashion.

“How important? Do you want to play baseball with us instead?” Jyushmatsu cuts in.

Zura smiles apologetically. “Sorry, I’d love to, but I really need to find Gintoki, and I don’t know how to play baseball in the first place. Basketball was always more my sport.”

“It’s really easy, Zura! Even you could figure it out!” Kagura widens her eyes and musters the saddest expression she knows. “Pleeeeeease? It’ll be fun!”

Zura groans. “Okay, fine, what do I do?”

“You have to gain possession of the bat in the sparring phase,” Jyushimatsu explains, “and then once you have the bat, the other person pitches and you have to hit the ball.”

“If you hit the ball you run around the bases,” Kagura continues. “And the pitcher has to tag you with the ball and then you stop running, and you get as many points as bases you passed. If you hit it out of the park, that’s a home run, and you automatically get four points!”

Kagura watches the gears turning in the terrorist’s head – it’s not a complicated system, but it _is_ Zura, so there’s really no telling whether or not all of that got through to him. Finally, though, he nods slowly, and smiles.

“Okay. So I just need to get that bat, right?”

“Ri—”

He’s past both of them in a flash.

“Ah shit! Get him, Jyushimatsu!” Kagura yells, and launches herself after Zura. “You’re not getting away from me!!!”

Zura laughs boisterously. “You think you can beat a former Joui war legend in a sparring match? You may be strong, Leader, but I’ve defeated many Amanto in my day!” He dives for the bat, but Kagura manages to tackle him before he can reach it.

“You may have defeated a lot of Amanto, but you’ve never defeated one like me!” Kagura grins evilly as she traps his arms behind his back.

“Heh. Your pride is your downfall, Madame Foreman Leader and Terrorist Zura!” Jyushimatsu boasts as he snatches the bat off the ground. “Alright, I get to bat twice in a row! Muscle, muscle! Hustle, hustle!” Jyushimatsu celebrates, and Kagura groans. In her quest to stop Zura, she’d completely forgotten there was a third player to think about.

“Let me pitch for him,” Zura says as he tugs his arms from Kagura’s grasp. He stands and dusts himself off. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t gain any more points!”

“Go, Zura!” Kagura cheers as the batter and the pitcher each assume their respective batting and pitching stances.

Zura takes a deep breath.

“It’s not Zura…” he winds up.

_“It’s Katsura!!!”_

The ball goes flying towards the batter, faster than Kagura could have anticipated. _Who knew Zura had such a strong throwing arm?_

There’s a glint in Jyushimatsu’s eye, though, and when he swings there’s a loud _crack_ as the bat connects with the ball and sends the ball high into the air.

“Run, Zura! Catch it!” she yells, and Zura sprints after the ball. “Don’t let him get a homerun!” Jyushimatsu is running too, heading for the small pile of rocks they’ve been using as a makeshift first base.

Kagura’s body is tense, and she clenches her teeth as she watches that idiot chase down the ball. _Come on, Zura!_

Of course, he won’t be able to catch it, though to be fair, it’s through no fault of his own – the ball’s trajectory is going to bring it straight into a tree, which becomes obvious fairly quickly. The tension in Kagura’s body releases as soon as she realizes it, although she continues to watch in mild anticipation, because it’s obvious that Zura hasn’t noticed yet. Sure enough, the dumbass leaps for the ball with apparently no regard for his life right before the ball disappears among the leaves. What Kagura had not expected, however, is the sharp, distinctly feminine yelp of pain that occurs half a second later, followed by a certain purple-haired ninja dropping from the branches and crashing into Zura on her way down.

Jyushimatsu rounds the last of the bases, and jogs up to Kagura. “Is she a friend of yours too?”

“Yeah, that’s Sacchan.”

“You know what this means, right?”

Kagura grins. “We can make teams now!”

 

* * *

 

_“Where are those nuisance sextuplets anyways?”_

_“Hm?” Chibita looks up from stirring his oden. Iyami’s face is twisted into a pensive frown, and he’s barely touched the food in front of him._

_“I said, where are those idiot Matsuno brothers?”_

_“Does it matter? It’s quieter when they aren’t around, and I actually get customers who pay for their food.”_

_“I guess it doesn’t matter,” Iyami agrees. His brow wrinkles in thought._

_Chibita frowns._ What’s up with him tonight? _“Aren’t they off visiting some other series right now for some crossover bullshit?”_

_Iyami doesn’t respond – he simply continues to stare at some distant object only he can see. Chibita shrugs and returns to tending his oden._

_A beat of silence passes, and then Iyami says… something, under his breath—_

_“What was that?” Chibita asks, wary._

_“What was what?”_

_“You said something just now.”_

_“No… must’ve been your imagination, Chibita.”_

_Iyami stretches his arms out behind his back until his shoulders crack, and then digs into his neglected oden. After he finishes, he leaves behind enough money for his purchase, plus a few yen extra as a tip._

_Chibita watches Iyami walk away, and tries not to think about the fact that he’s fairly certain he heard Iyami mumble something about ‘if they don’t come back me could take their place as the protagonist’._

_Which, admittedly, would be in character for him, and while typically Iyami’s aspirations always seem to end up being ground into the dust, there’s still that lingering detail that the sextuplets aren’t actually here right now…_

_Chibita shudders, and slaps his hands to his cheeks._

_Of course Iyami isn’t going to try anything, or at least nothing will come from his attempts. Nothing can destroy the status quo here, after all. Chibita’s just getting worked up over nothing – putting himself in a panic because it’s been a weird, far-too-quiet evening, that’s all._

It’ll be fine, _he thinks as he begins to pack away his stand._ It’s gonna be just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> turns out having a job and a semblance of a social life is less conducive to writing than being an unemployed & isolated piece of shit (as was the case this spring when I was writing a ton) so i'm officially giving up on any hope of maintaining a consistent weekly update schedule. (to be fair, this was definitely foreshadowed in chapter 1. just saying.) 
> 
> on the bright side though, not pressuring myself to update this super frequently means i should be able to work on some of my other 800 WIPs, which include finishing up the gintama nightmares fic, adding more parts to the oso drinking bet series, plus a handful of dumb oneshot ideas for both. so if you read any of my other stuff, you can look forward to that, and if you haven't read any of my other works just know that they're all a lot better quality than this monstrosity so i'd recommend checking some of them out if you feel like it!
> 
> anyways as always, i love hearing what you think so don't be afraid to leave a comment here or elsewhere (you can find me on tumblr @ [charmingstrangeness](http://charmingstrangeness.tumblr.com/) or on twitter [@madameforeman](https://twitter.com/madameforeman)). please know that if you are enjoying this fic in any capacity, you are my hero, and i'd love to hear from you.
> 
> NEXT TIME ON OSOxGINTAMA: shit hits the fan for many of the matsuno bros. see you then~


	4. Moment(s) of Impact

Unsurprisingly, the baseball game devolves into chaos fairly quickly, but the boys are still really into it – also unsurprising, given how much Jyushimatsu seems to like the sport to begin with and how much of an airhead Katsura is. Kagura yawns and picks at the grass, aimlessly watching Zura wind up to pitch. “So why were you stalking Zura, anyways?” she asks nonchalantly. “Did you lose your glasses and mistake him for Gin-chan?”

Beside her, Sarutobi raises an eyebrow. “My glasses are on my face, _idiot._ And believe me, I’d much rather be with Gin-san right now…” she sighs dreamily, and Kagura rolls her eyes. “…but I’m on a job right now. I was hired to tail Katsura.”

“What? Why?” Kagura isn’t particularly shocked – Zura _is_ a wanted terrorist, after all, even if he is a bad one, but wouldn’t it make more sense to arrest him than to follow him?

“Well, I’m not really allowed to talk about the details, but there’s been some smuggling activity, so I’m supposed to figure out if the Joui faction is involved or not.” She lets out another sigh, this one more resigned. “Like I said, I’d far prefer to be with Gin. Where is he, anyways?”

“Pachinko parlour, being useless, obviously.” Kagura wrinkles her brow. “Wait, Sacchan, why don’t they just hire you to tail him all the time, and then they could actually arrest him?”

“This job’s not from the government, that’s why. It’s a private company.”

“A private company affected by a drug ring?”

“I didn’t say that’s what it was.” Sarutobi narrows her eyes. “And don’t ask what it is. I told you, I’m not allowed to discuss details.”

“Fiiiine, I won’t ask.” Kagura flops onto her stomach. In front of her, the boys have traded positions – Jyushimatsu winds up and pitches, and Zura swings and misses. Of course.

“Throw me another one! I’ll get it this time, you’ll see!” Katsura boasts as he retrieves the ball and tosses it back to Jyushimatsu.

“Okay, are you ready? Here we goooooo super king-sized homerun!”

Kagura’s eyes widen in shock when the bat connects with the ball – _he actually hit it?!_ Even Zura seems surprised – he stares at the ball, slackjawed, as it arcs gracefully through the air.

“Whoaaaa, nice hit, Zura!” Jyushimatsu laughs.

“Hmph. I told you I could do it!” Zura grins, although his grin is quickly replaced by a cringe at the sound of shattering glass.

There’s a moment of stillness, pure calm, as all four players process the police car that’s parked on the edge of the grass, the shattered windshield, and the young man in uniform exiting the car with a bazooka on his shoulder.

“KAAAAATSURAAAAA!!!!”

“EVERYBODY _**RUN!!!**_ ”

 

* * *

 

“How about another bottle of Dom Perignon, my princesses?”

The girl hanging onto his right arm giggles. “Oh, yes, please!”

The girl hanging onto his left arm pouts instead. “I don’t know if we can afford that…”

He winks. “You don’t have to. This one’s on the house.”

“Oh, Totty!” they both squeal in unison, and Todomatsu chuckles. Now this, _this—_ This is what life is all about, truly. Naturally, his idiot older brothers all just accepted the concept of a crossover and rolled with it, but Todomatsu? Todomatsu had taken the extra step and done some research first. And what did he find but the existence of a host club by the name of Takamagahara, a place where men can earn money (Todomatsu’s favourite activity) while entertaining women (Todomatsu’s other favourite activity). Once they arrived in this universe, it was a simple matter of getting a head start on his brothers out of the Yorozuya apartment and asking for some directions from an oddball samurai and his Amanto companion, and now here he is, living the life he’s always dreamed about.

Another host shows up with the alcohol, and Todomatsu lets out a contented sigh as he pours glasses for his companions. _They’ll have to drag me home kicking and screaming,_ he muses. It’s a bit cliché, perhaps, but Todomatsu feels like this is where he truly _belongs_. This… this is where he’s meant to be in life, it really is.

_And I’ll be damned if I let anybody ruin this paradi—_

“Ohhhh? Totty, you found this magical place too! Well done, dearest _brother!_ ”

Todomatsu thinks that even death can be an enviable state of being, and he wonders if there’s anything in the immediate vicinity that would put him out of his misery quickly. Unfortunately, the only real hazard present are the drinks – drowning himself in Dom Perignon wouldn’t be the most dignfied of ends, though, and alcohol poisoning just takes far too long to orchestrate. Thoroughly unsatisfied with the blatant lack of ways to kill himself on a moment’s notice, Todomatsu sighs instead, puts on his sweetest smile, and turns to look at his goddamn shitty moment-ruining piece of trash scumbag of an older brother.

“Why hello, Karamatsu, what brings you here?” His tone is honey concealing poison, although god knows he’s annoyed enough to not care if anyone notices his irritation.

“A kind samurai by the name of Katsura recommended I come to this paradise!” Karamatsu grins his million-watt grin, and Todomatsu resists the urge to punch that stupid smile right off his face, damn him.

“Well, now you’ve found it, so you should go.” Todomatsu strains to keep the smile on his face.

“Now, now, Totty, I only just got here!” Karamatsu chuckles, and the sound of it grates at Todomatsu’s nerves. “Where’s the manager? I’d like to speak with him about getting work here!”

“W-what?!” _No, you can’t, this is_ MY _paradise!!! Get out!!!_ He absolutely cannot allow _Karamatsu_ of all people to come here and ruin this perfect thing he’s created!

One of the girls looks up at him with an expression of innocent confusion. “Totty? Is everything okay?”

_Of course it’s not okay, how could this possibly be okay???_ “Yes of course sweetheart, everything is fine!” He smiles, but it probably looks as fake as it feels because the girl doesn’t return it.

Meanwhile, Karamatsu starts, as though he’s only just noticed the girls. “Why, Totty, be a gentleman and introduce me to your friends here!” Before Todomatsu can so much as open his mouth to tell him off, though, Karamatsu takes a step forward, leans towards one of the girls and – _oh, oh dear god for fuck’s sake whY ARE YOU LIKE THIS_ – goddamn _kneels_ on the ground and produces a fucking _red rose_ from god only knows where and offers it to the girl closest to him.

“Karamatsu at your service, _my honey_.”

A faint blush tinges the girl’s cheeks and her breath hitches, and fuck it’s _infuriating_ to watch – partially because Karamatsu is being painful as hell right now, partially because the girl actually looks like she’s _into_ it, and partially because Todomatsu has not gotten that kind of reaction out of her so far; put together, all of this points to the fact that Karamatsu would make a _fantastic_ host, and most likely a better host than Todomatsu, and frankly that’s just not something he wants to consider right now. All he’d wanted was one thing untarnished by his shitty older brothers, but no, can’t even get that much, can he?

Todomatsu grits his teeth. “Karamatsu, I’m pretty sure it’s against the rules to seduce the guests if you’re not a host on duty. Weren’t you looking for a manager, anyways?”

“Heh. No one will notice if I join you for a minute or two. Don’t worry so much, Todomatsu. Just give me a minute with these gorgeous young ladies, and then I’ll be on my way.” Karamatsu smirks at the girl he’d offered the rose to. “I’m planning to ask for a job here, and then you could visit me, if you wanted to. But just in case it doesn’t work out, I’d like to cherish even these scant few moments of time spent in such a beautiful woman’s presence.” He punctuates his proclamation with a wink, and the girl practically swoons. Todomatsu sees red.

“Kara’s right, you know,” he says snidely. “Being a host takes a lot of skill and subtlety. He might not be accepted as staff here – only the _best_ hosts make it.”

His gibe reaches its mark – Karamatsu has always been a good actor, so the girls might not have noticed the way his jaw tenses ever so slightly, and the faint twitch at the corner of his eye, but Todomatsu sees them both, and he hears the hint of ice in Karamatsu’s tone a moment later—

“Well, Totty, as one of the best, why don’t you give me a couple of pointers so that I might increase my chances of being hired?”

Now that, _that—_ That level of brazen cheekiness, from anyone else, is just fine – par for the course, even, as far as Todomatsu’s concerned. But getting an earful from _Karamatsu_ like that? After he so boldly hit on one of his customers despite not being a host? After daring to even set foot in this establishment? And to top it all off, there’s that look on his face like _Todomatsu’s_ the one who’s done something wrong here? Forget irritating, Todomatsu is _pissed_. And like hell is he gonna let that attitude slide.

“Well to be honest, _brother_ , I’m not sure it’s worth my time. You’re just not cut out for this job, quite frankly.” Karamatsu can’t even pretend to not be offended by that comment, a fact which Todomatsu notes with perverse glee.

“Oh? And what exactly do _you_ know about being a host, when you’re just a shitty NEET?”

Todomatsu feels his mouth involuntarily twist into a grimace. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices that heads are starting to turn towards them, but he can’t quite bring himself to care. “You’re just a shitty NEET too, you know. At least I managed to actually get a job. And I hang out with women more than you do.” He’s injecting as much venom as he can into his words, and it’s working – Karamatsu is frowning, and his face is beginning to turn red with rage. “What about you, _dearest brother?_ I’m surprised you can even talk to these women at all – usually you’re too nervous!”

Karamatsu slams a fist on the table. “How _dare_ you—”

“That’s quite enough, sir.” A firm voice breaks through their argument, and Todomatsu looks up to see the host club’s manager himself. “You’re creating a disturbance with your argument. I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you both to leave.”

“B-but I work here!” Todomatsu’s heart hammers in his chest – _what the hell is happening?_

“Which means you ought to know better than to pick fights. You’re fired.”

“What?!”

_What??!!!_

His beautiful world, his paradise – over? Just like that?

_This can’t be happening._

“What? You’re firing him? But I was so looking forward to requesting his services…”

Todomatsu looks up at the sound of the unfamiliar voice – the first thing he notices is that she’s tall, very tall, and her bright red hair and… five o’clock shadow?? He groans in recognition.

“And what makes you think I would say yes to hosting an okama weirdo?” he snaps. It’s not a fair thing to say, and Todomatsu knows it, but he’s angry, and damnit can’t he lash out if he wants to?

“Yeah, stay away from my baby brother you creep!” Karamatsu adds, and Todomatsu rolls his eyes – as if he needs protection from Karamatsu in a situation like this…

“Weirdos and creeps, that’s what you think we are?” This time, the speaker is a different okama; her luscious white hair is pulled back in a traditional style, and her kimono is neat and bright, and she’s built like an American football player. Todomatsu swallows hard – her tone is dangerous, and he suspects he’s about to be made to regret his comment.

Sure enough, the okama turns to the owner and smiles. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of these two for you.”

“Ah, thank you, Mademoiselle Saigou!”

_Take care of us? What does she mean by take care of us?_ Todomatsu glances nervously at Ka—

 

* * *

 

While he doesn’t ever manage to find the alleged gathering place of stray cats, Ichimatsu does eventually make it to the zoo, which, as far as he’s concerned, is good enough. Animals often like being around other animals after all, and stray cats in particular have a fondness for being around groups of humans that are likely to feed them scraps of food to snack on – sure enough, there are a couple of rather handsome cats hanging around the entrance gate.

Petting cats always has been the most relaxing thing, and within minutes the anxious rush of adrenaline that had been fuelling his escape from that obnoxious stranger with the long hair begins to subside. There’s still a knot in his stomach though – it’s been a trying day, and he’s still very much out in the open when he’d much rather be hidden away in some back alley. He wonders if perhaps he could coax one one of the cats he’s playing with off around a corner or something…

He takes a step back and crouches. “C’mere,” he mumbles, reaching out a hand and wiggling his fingers. “Come on.”

One of the cats takes a tentative step forward and sniffs at his fingers. He backs up again, and it follows.

The smallest of smiles twitches at the corner of his lips—

“You’re very good with animals,” comes a pensive voice from behind him, and Ichimatsu has to bite down on his tongue to forcibly prevent himself from jumping eight feet in the air and screaming. Who in the everloving _fuck_ —?!

He looks up and his jaw drops. The man talking to him isn’t a man – it’s an alien. It even looks like an alien, with its purple skin and the weird dangly thing on its forehead.

“Do you like animals?”

“I… huh?” It’s not his fault – this is the first time Ichimatsu has ever had a conversation with an _actual alien from outer space._

“I said, do you like animals? Can you understand me? Goodness, you humans really are a stupid bunch, aren’t you?”

Ichimatsu feels flutter of annoyance at the insult, but he’s still a bit too shell-shocked to say anything about it. “I… I like cats,” he finally manages to stutter.

“Listen, I have a job for you. Come with me.”

“What? No.”

The alien frowns. “That’s an order, you know. You may not realize this, but I _am_ a prince.”

“That doesn’t mean I have to listen to you,” Ichimatsu grumbles.

“I guess not, but you really should treat me with more respect. Especially since I’m offering you a job.”

Ichimatsu’s eyebrows knit together. “What kind of job?”

“Animal care. You’ll be good at it, I can tell just from having watched you for a couple minutes.”

_Animal care, huh?_ Ichimatsu can’t stand the guy’s attitude, but if he could make a little money, and it’s dealing with animals too…

Ichimatsu sighs in resignation. “Okay, fine. What do I need to do?”

The alien chuckles. “Follow me, I’ll show you.”

 

* * *

 

“Okay, let’s get started!” Shinpachi’s voice is commanding and confident in a way Choromatsu hadn’t thought possible for a sixteen year old idol otaku. “Sergeant, is anyone absent?”

“No one is absent today, sir!”

“Excellent! Alright men, today we have a guest – this is Matsuno Choromatsu. He’s new in town and a fan of idols, so I invited him to check out the rehearsal.”

“Hi Matsuno-san!” comes the chorus of male nerds.

“Hi everyone!” Choromatsu waves nervously. It’s exciting to be here, for sure, but also definitely intimidating, despite the fact that rehearsals are held at the beach. The fan club is a lot more… regimental than he’d have expected. And of all people, Shinpachi is somehow the worst of them, having done a complete one-eighty from his usual demeanour. Or rather, the demeanour Choromatsu has seen from him so far. Really, he’s only known the kid for less than a day…

One of the sergeants turns to Choromatsu, breaking him out of his train of thought. “So what idol do you like where you come from?”

“Oh, her name is Nyaa-chan.” Choromatsu reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. “See?” He shows the boy his lock screen, which is a digital version of one of Nyaa-chan’s promo posters. He can’t help but smile just the tiniest bit – she really is very cute in this particular picture, and he never gets tired of seeing it whenever he unlocks his phone.

“Oh cat ears? Wow, she’s really cute!” The teen chuckles. “No wonder you’re a fan of hers… I bet I would be too!”

Choromatsu shrugs and opens his mouth to continue making asinine small talk with a teenage idol otaku, but he’s cut off before he gets the chance to speak by the sudden appearance of Shinpachi from seemingly out of nowhere.

_“Sergeant.”_ His tone is dangerous, and Choromatsu has never felt so intimidated by a sixteen-year-old since he was in high school. And by the looks of it, the sergeant feels the same way.

“What is Article 14 of the Terakado Tsu Fan Club Regulations, sergeant?”

“M-members shall worship no other idols! Only Otsu-chan!”

“And what about cat ears? What do we think of cat ears, sergeant?”

“They’re bad! Very bad, president!”

His voice is laced with terror, and Choromatsu would feel bad for the guy if he weren’t already busy feeling scared shitless by the fire in Shinpachi’s eyes. _What the hell happened to the mild-mannered kid from this morning???_

“For a top official in this club to even joke about following another idol, _especially_ one with cat ears, is absolutely unacceptable, and you will receive the Nose Hook Destroyer as punishment!”

_The_ what _now?_

What unfolds next feels like a dream. Shinpachi moves in slow motion, or maybe too fast for the eye to follow – Choromatsu isn’t sure; all he can do is watch in horror as Shinpachi rams his first two fingers up the sergeants nostrils and hurls the guy towards the ocean.

_Oh._

And then Shinpachi turns to him and _smiles,_ of all things. If Choromatsu wasn’t shaken before, he certainly is now.

“Sorry you had to see that, Choromatsu. Oh, and don’t worry about it if the idol you like has cat ears – it’s only forbidden for Terakado Tsu Fan Club members to like them. We’ve had bad experiences in the past.”

_What kind of bad experiences warrant that kind of treatment, though?!?_ Choromatsu shakes his head, and laughs nervously. “Oh, it’s fine, I understand.”

“We’ll start rehearsal now, if you don’t mind. We need to practice our cheer routines – there’s a concert coming up soon.”

Choromatsu relaxes a little. Now this, this is more what he was expecting. Typical idol otaku stuff. “Of course! I’d love to watch, and listen to a couple of Otsu-chan’s songs!”

“Why don’t you work the CD player for us, so you can have something to do?”

“Yeah, absolutely!”

Shinpachi’s face lights up, and Choromatsu swears that the nose hook only minutes ago must have been a fever dream because this boy could not possibly have the nerve to do something like that to another human being.

As the fan club boys line up for their rehearsal, Choromatsu sets up the portable CD player and pops in a disc. The idol on the cover of the CD case is cute – not as cute as Nyaa-chan, of course, but still – the yellow kimono she’s wearing nicely contrasts her purple hair, and she looks pretty young, probably around 16 or so. _She looks like she has a lovely singing voice too,_ Choromatsu thinks as he presses play.

He revises this opinion almost instantly as the song starts.

He does his best not to cringe – he’d hate to disappoint the fan club, or, worse yet, incur the Wrath of Shimura Shinpachi – but god, it’s just. It’s so _bad_. The song is just so _horrible_. It’s absolutely nothing like Nyaa-chan’s fun pop music; there’s far too much hard guitar, and what even are those lyrics? They don’t even make sense! And they’re so crude!

The song goes on for what feels like forever, but it finally ends, thankfully.

“Ah, what a great song! That one’s my favourite,” Shinpachi grins as he approaches Choromatsu.

Choromatsu blanches. _Fuck, he’s gonna ask me if I liked it, isn’t he?_ Maybe he can steer the conversation away from that… Or better yet, convince Shinpachi that his idol is actually terrible. It would be difficult, but if he can find out what Shinpachi sees in her, he could debunk all of his opinions…

“You guys look really in sync! You must really like this idol,” Choromatsu laughs nervously. “What got you into her music?”

“Well, we’re all here for different reasons, naturally,” Shinpachi scratches his head sheepishly, “but in my case, Otsuu-chan’s music really means a lot to me. I was at a tough place in my life when I came across her playing in the street, and her music has given me strength ever since.”

“Oh… Wow.” Choromatsu is at a loss – what’s he supposed to say to that?? How’s he supposed to look this pure-hearted kid in the eye and tell him his idol isn’t talented, and only kind of cute? Especially when said pure-hearted kid will transform into an actual demon at a moment’s notice should anyone so much as think something negative about his precious idol.

“So, what did you think, anyways?”

And there it is, of course. The dreaded question. Choromatsu feels his heart begin to pound – of course he hated the song, but he can’t just say that, but there’s no way he could possibly pretend to have liked it.

“I, uh… Well it was definitely interesting.” Beads of sweat begin to form on Choromatsu’s forehead. “I’ve never heard anything like it before. She’s very… unique, to say the least.”

“You didn’t like it.” It’s not a question. Shinpachi’s voice is deathly serious, and his brow is furrowed.

Choromatsu nods, slowly. “I’m sorry. She’s just not for me.” There’s no point in lying, and no excuses he could make. There’s nothing left to do but await his imminent doom. His nostrils twitch in anxious anticipation.

Shinpachi shakes his head, and Choromatsu holds his breath. “I thought… maybe we could connect over this,” Shinpachi says. “I thought we could be friends. But it seems our relationship should remain purely professional.”

“I, uh, I guess so…”

Shinpachi lets out a heavy sigh. “Well, so be it, then. I don’t mean to be rude, but you should probably leave and let us rehearse.”

“Yeah, okay, that’s fine, I understand.” Choromatsu tries not to sound too relieved – it looks like his status as an outsider is protecting him from getting murdered on the spot, thank fucking God. “Shinpachi… I’m sorry. I wanted to like her, I really did.”

Shinpachi only shakes his head before looking away. “Just go.”

So Choromatsu goes. The sheer drama of it all is far too much for him anyways; he needs to be away from it all, away from Terakado Tsuu and Shimura Shinpachi and sixteen-year-old idol otakus. As soon as he’s out of sight of the beach, he starts running – he needs to get as far away from them all as possible, right this instant—

Sirens blare from somewhere behind Choromatsu. Startled, his foot catches on a rock, sending him sprawling. As he pushes himself back up onto his feet, a police car pulls up beside him, and two officers in ornate black uniforms get out – a young, handsome one carrying something that looks suspiciously like a bazooka, and an intimidating guy with aggressively V-shaped bangs.

“Yeah, this is the guy alright,” the first one says.

The second one nods, and takes a step towards Choromatsu.

“You there. You’re under arrest.”

“I’m… what?” Choromatsu gapes.

“Come on, you heard the guy.” The second officer snaps a pair of handcuffs onto Choromatsu’s wrists. “You’re coming with us.”

_What????_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for totty and kara being rude to the lovely okama ladies - i'm not a fan of derogatory okama jokes but i needed a canon-compliant plot device. the rest of their plot thread will be respectful, i promise.
> 
> next chapter will be a bit of a wait again, what with the holidays coming up, plus i really want to finish the nightmares fic, plus it's gintama fic fest right now apparently? oh and some good news, i was accepted as a writer in a gintama zine! but that's also another project to work on. so yeah we'll see how it goes with all the projects i have/want to work on in the next little while here. i'll keep working on this slow and steady in the background and get the next chapter out whenever i can!
> 
> as always, thanks for sticking around and reading this mess. i love hearing your thoughts, so come at me in the comments, or find me on tumblr @[charmingstrangeness](http://charmingstrangeness.tumblr.com/) or on twitter @[madameforeman](https://twitter.com/madameforeman).
> 
> Join Us Next Time, wherein we will find out what our fearless protagonists have been up to this entire time! (hint: it's called 'being useless fucks')


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